When someone walks slower than me: omfg your slow ass is clogging up the hallway for the rest of us put some pep in your step grandma
When someone walks faster than me: jesus christ are you on the run from the police this isn't a race you can tone it down usain bolt
When someone walks at the same pace as me: who gave your creepy ass permission to walk with me get the fuck away before I call the cops
me: wow I'm actually happy right now
life: lol now hold on just one minute
me: oh man my show is on i'm so excited to sit down and watch television for an hour
mom: turns on every sink in the house grinds coffee beans for five minutes reorganizes every pan in the cupboard starts a rock band
When my friends are talking about movies
What I say: Oh yeah, that guy was in it, he was in some other movies, his name is like...Robert?
What is in my head: Actors full name, age, spouse, birthday, the movies release date, director, full cast, and box office sales.
scientist: the average person spends 18 hours online per week.
me: you mean per day
scientist: what
me: what
❝ I won’t cry for you, my mascara’s too expensive